Mistress Stitches

Greetings from Ravenscroft, the home of the Contemporary Guild of Peculiar Blackwork. My name is Mistress Stitches, but you may call me Sian. As the grand conductor of this macabre symphony, I not only craft ghastly beauties but also hold the prestigious title of Chief Squirrel Wrangler Extraordinaire. I am the owner and designer, the terror of the forest, the thing that goes bump in the night and the bathrobe enthusiast of Urban Stitches.

Within the looming embrace of a Victorian school house turned gothic haven, I conjure intricate blackwork embroidery patterns that dance on the edge of the strange and unusual.

The Guild lies in the South West of the United Kingdom where I sit within the attic peering out at life with my partner, children and the multitude of many legged minions. Ravenscroft is surrounded by ancient trees and green fields, a wild deer may be glimpsed from afar, but they never enter the grounds for reasons I deign to discuss here.

Squirrels

I have an elite team of squirrels who scour the odd corners of internet (and occasionally binge watch daytime TV) looking for the best misfit ideas. They pick out the juiciest nuggets, bury them in strange and unusual patterns and wait for them to grow into charts for you to purchase.

They have been rigorously trained to only forage for the ripest ideas and unearth the choicest memes by a strict regime of being woken early, having a cold shower, being given coffee on tap and then handed a toddler to look after for half an hour. From there, only the most on-the-ball squirrels go on to perform a thorough internet search for new ideas by 7am.

<---This is Dave from Customer Support BTW

I am a compelling figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. By day I am a fighter of crime, by night an infamous isopod breeder.

I was scouted by the Kings Own Guard, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored I build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang gliding. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. On Wednesdays, after work, I perform recitals of obscure limericks free of charge. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Haiti.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid on time. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only couscous and a toaster. I breed prizewinning shellfish. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

The laws of physics do not apply to me.

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In case you’re wondering, my favourite dinosaur is the Pachycephalosaurus and my favourite colour is pizza.

Employee/s of the Month

  • FAYE - Marketing & Website design

    Faye has been intrinsic in getting the new website up and running. She has had to put up with Steve and deserves a medal for that alone.

  • TIM - Personal Assistant

    Tim answers emails. Sometimes he chews the mouse wire. Damages come out of his pay.

    Tim dislikes cabbage, seeing cabbage, talking about cabbage or reading about cabbage. Tim would like “The Magnificent” added to his name. He has a cloak with it written on. When Tim works out how to keep Steve away from the company emails then I will add it on to his business card.

  • LANCE HOLDSON - Foreign Exchange Student

    Lance is visiting from the US. He turned up one day with a hat and a pack of chewing gum and a letter from his Dad. It was written in chipmunk, but I’ve been told it says he’s meant to be here. Or, something along those lines…

    Lance is a world class chess player and would go far if he would stop sticking gum on his opponents chess pieces.

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Previous Squirrel Employees of The Month

  • TREV - Nut Support

    Trev is a squirrel of many talents. He supports anything to do with nuts, currently he’s supporting Steve’s nuts. Steve is head of Quality Nut Control.

    Trev plays on the company’s extreme D&D team on weekends.

  • CAROL - Receptionist

    Carol has recently joined the team and works on reception.

    Most of her day is spent on the phone, making sure the loos are fully stocked with toilet paper, and hiding the extra pens from Steve.

    In her spare time she likes to dance, mostly ballroom and Latin.

  • HUGO HUGOSON - Student

    Hugo is an exchange student who has been on the nut selection line for a few weeks now.

    He hopes to travel once life has calmed down a bit.

  • DAVE - Customer Support

    Dave is one of a handful of squirrels who searches out pattern ideas and runs the social media accounts.

    He has recently been learning to cook and can whip up a mean cheese soufflé.

  • CLIVE NORDMAN - IT Support

    Clive works in IT Support. There is nothing he can’t do with a widget.

    He enjoys tennis and took up scuba diving in the pond over quarantine.

  • STEVE - Nut Controller

    Steve tends to run Nut Control. Well, Steve thinks he does. He thinks he runs a lot of things. Steve has recently taken up Yoga. He thinks it's pretentious but he's only there to try and pick up other squirrels. Please try to avoid engaging with Steve.